So this is where I am currently at: Questioning the past with just one phone call. On Saturday June 18, 2016 at 8:36 you called me. The number looked familiar but I thought to myself it couldn’t be. What could he want after three years? Three fucking years what do you want?! I doubled check and it was him. At 8:36pm it was him.
As I rest my head on my sweethearts lap it was him. What do you want after THREE years. Show off your success, forgiveness, peace of mind, more gloating, an understanding, a reunion?
What do you want?
I am happy. Nothing is going right. I am struggling in ways you can’t imagine, I quit my job, I’m thinking of things that are morally wrong, I am emotionally unstable, I am in school thinking of a ways to pay for school. I am a mess but he accepts me. Although he knows none of this, my sweetheart accepts me. I have no money, I am on E and for some reason I’m happy, not a care a in the world. I’m still driving around in my old Chevy. I am a hot mess. I’m lazy as hell at times, I get easily distracted by social media and random thoughts that pop in my mind. Yet, I believe in myself just to lazy to put in the work. I can make up a dozen valid excuses for it.
Honestly I don’t know what is wrong with me.
Through all of this all I can think is what do you want ?
As I inhale this smoke.
What the FUCK do you want. I’m here baffled trying to get this out of my system so I can stop thinking about it. It’s my version of therapy. It’s been 3 years and the last thing I heard about you is not something I want to get into right now. That’s the last thing I ever heard. I never bothered to call or confront you about it because although I cared to know I didn’t because of all the lies and because I was afraid that if I listened to you speak I would believe them.
She just had a melt down
They’re needed every now and then.
You know, when you feel like walls are caving in.
We have all been through things.
Emotionally, I know we can all relate
Don’t take things for granted, don’t complain is my view
But it’s good to release that built up
Don’t ever let anyone tell you you’re not allowed to feel a certain way. You’re allowed to feel and do whatever the hell you want.
I loved from afar
I loved from up close
I learned to hold my breath as I sank first
I sank into love as others float
I watched them get saved as something pulled me with force
I grew short of breath
Lungs drowned in water and when everything went pitch black you appeared
We are on a double cross road on who leaves who first
How long shall we wait, who will take the leap first
Two vessels to scares to let go
I guess we are waiting who does who better first
We are stuck on the intersection of loneliness waiting for excitement and “true love” to crossroads
It’s over and that’s okay and while she’s with him all she can think about is you
Just not in the ways that would please you
She misses the outline of your face and that heartful laugh
She misses the ways your eyes would squint when you smiled
And how well you complimented her
How you just always felt like one
But you’re gone now and that’s okay
I believe a lot of the time we struggle with this one because we want to choose to believe that this person has or will change … Eventually. We end up setting ourselves up emotionally because it may change temporarily but eventually “it” will revert back. So listen when you see the action and don’t be afraid to let go.
You see its not that easy…
Frantic panic attacks
Luscious lips stung by bees with a seculent taste of honey on a hive
Every taste is mouth watering, dripping with thickness and you can’t stop yourself from wanting more
A nauseating feeling like going down the hills of the west coast
What a beautiful sight but it comes at a price
Leaves you sick to your stomach wanting more
That’s what she did to him